Single by default

I know quite a few people who are single, yet long to be in a relationship. Somehow, whenever they find someone to love, sooner rather than later, they break up. It makes them deeply unhappy, but they choose solitude over being with ‘the wrong one’, time and again. Dating sites must be thriving on them.

Some of these persons -both men and women- had fallen in love with someone who lived so far away that it was physically impossible to sustain a relationship unless one of the two moved, which was then too big a jump to take. Or, if they did move, the relationship would end anyway, causing even more pain because they had left their job, house, etc. Some friends chose alcoholics as their lovers. Some women I know fell in love with married men, who were never going to be ready to leave their wives for them, no matter what they promised. Others fell in love and even got married with partners who subsequently discovered they were gay. And all of them had several of these failed engagements.

How is it possible that one chooses someone who is incompatible, not once, but each time?

In my work as a healer I have found that this can be a strategy of people who have been abandoned as a child by their parent(s). For example, the girl who felt like daddy’s darling until he died and her world fell apart. Or someone whose mother ran away, a disaster that came out of the blue. Someone else felt ignored most of the time as a small child. Such experiences can make people hurt so badly that rather than risking to have to go through that pain again by loving someone wholeheartedly, they instead pick someone they will abandon before the other can do so. Obviously this is not conscious behaviour, and it needs some delicate suggestions from me to make someone aware that he or she is doing this.

So what is behind it?

In some cases it can be a way of feeling in control. Or, in a warped way, a means to hit back at the parent who hurt them. A huge part of it is, of course, fear to be hurt again. But I believe it is also a kind of self-punishment: deep down they believe they were not worthy of the love of their parent, or else why would he or she have left, or neglected them? Even if the parent died in an accident or of disease they believe they cannot be loveable enough for anyone to stay with them. They cannot trust their beloved, not even if, as I’ve seen in some cases, their relationship has lasted for quite some years. And guess what? Their subconscious dictates the habitual outcome so they feel as if their fears were justified. They will find fault in the other, and separation follows.

Why? Why would the subconscious sabotage its owner like that? The experts always say the subconscious doesn’t have a will of its own, but rather is the record keeper of all that we go through, and the executer of the commands from our will or our conscious mind. It is also quite attached to the status quo and works to maintain that. When you lose a parent, or become convinced that he or she doesn’t care much about you, you go through a period of mourning during which you seek explanations. Children, unable to see the big picture, often unconsciously blame themselves. Until well into our teens we are highly malleable, we’re in the stage of downloading the patterns of behavior we use for the rest of our lives. Thus self-blame leads to self-sabotage, a new norm, or the program by which we operate.

Can you think of other situations that may cause people to act habitually against their own interest? Please feel free to share your thoughts.


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